Can't You See It Hurts Me Too
by Peppery
Summary: The scene on the Leviathan from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Please forgive the horribly sappy title.


Brin was thrown off her mattress as the Ebon Hawk jolted unexpectedly. After swearing rather loudly, she picked herself up, turned out of the control room, and burst into the bridge.

"What happened!" she and Bastila said at the same time.

Carth, leaning intently over the controls, answered. "Sith Interdictor ship. They must have been waiting for us on the hyperspace route." He ran both hands through his hair. "We're caught in their tractor beam."

All the blood rushed out of Brin's face. There was a faint pounding in her ears.

"Do you recognize the ship?" Bastila asked.

Carth pulled his head out of his hands, his brow drawn together as he looked at the dark silhouette drawing them in. "It's the Leviathan. Saul Karath's vessel." He leaned back, arms folded. His expression had twisted into hatred. "My old mentor."

It was Brin who gathered everyone in the cargo bay, partly to get away from Carth and his bad memories, partly to have something to do. She could never be still when she was frightened or she would start to panic. She always had to be _doing_ something.

When Mission, Zaalbar, Canderous, T3-M4, HK-47, and Juhani all stood in a loose circle around Bastila, Carth, and Brin, Carth started the debriefing in a tone edged with bitterness.

"Admiral Karath taught me everything I know about being a soldier. He was a legend in the Republic fleet, and a hero to me." He faltered. "Until he betrayed us. When the Sith attacked my home world, the Leviathan—which is Saul Karath's flagship—was at the head of the fleet. My family was destroyed that day and my wife died in the Sith bombardment."

Mission covered her mouth with a small blue hand. Even impassive Canderous looked concerned—at the news of their impeding capture, of course. Brin lifted a hand to touch his shoulder, but instead left it hovering awkwardly behind him.

"Don't do anything stupid, Carth," she said.

"I won't," he snapped. He went on more softly. "I mean, I won't throw our lives away in some mad quest for vengeance. But if I get a chance to kill Saul during our escape, nobody better get in my way."

Sometimes Brin forgot how scary Carth could be.

Bastila, as calm as ever, said in her usual clipped voice, "Talk of an escape is somewhat premature, don't you think? We don't even have a plan to get out of this mess yet."

"I'll admit it won't be easy," Carth replied. "Saul's no fool and he won't underestimate us either. You can count on plenty of guards watching every move we make.

"Maybe Admiral Karath doesn't know how many of us there are on board." There was an idea sparking behind Bastila's eyes. "We all have special talents; talents we could exploit so that one of us could stage a rescue. We just have to figure out who has the best chance to avoid capture so that they can come and rescue us later. It's a long shot, but it's our only hope."

"I can do it," said Mission, barely letting Bastila finish. She had been leaning against the wall, but now stood straighter than she shot. "No prison can hold me."

"No!"

Everyone looked to Brin in surprise; the only time she raised her voice was when she yelled at Carth. She looked stricken.

"No," she said in a slightly cooler voice. "No, Bastila can use her Battle Meditation or…or something."

Bastila shook her head. Her pigtails flopped over her shoulders when she did. "The admiral will be watching the three of us far too closely for any plot involving you, me, or Carth to succeed. It's going to be up to one of the others to get us out of this."

Mission lifted her chin confidently.

"Well, if we're going to pick someone to save our skins, we better do it quick!" Carth said, shifting back and forth edgily. "In another minute we're going to have Sith troops marching up our loading ramp!"

"Juhani." Brin said the name of the first person her eyes fell upon. Juhani did seem a safe option. "You can use the Force to camouflage, then come for us."

The cathar smiled slightly as though surprised. "You speak the truth. I alone of the crew might be able to remain hidden if the Sith search the ship. I could wait until the guards have completed their search, then come to rescue you."

It took Brin a moment to realize Juhani was proud Brin had chosen her. While Mission melted back, looking hurt, Brin held Juhani's gaze.

"I know you will. May the Force be with you."

The ship lurched, pitching them all sideways. Brin would have fallen had Bastila not grabbed her arm.

"Hold on!" Carth said. "They're dragging us into the docking bridge!"

The Sith soldiers separated Bastila, Carth, and Brin from the rest of the crew as soon as they boarded. After dragging the trio onto the Leviathan, they stripped them to their underwear, confiscated their gear—Brin's lightsaber had to be torn from her hands—and threw each of them into their own energy-locked cages. For the moment at least, the three of them were still together.

It wasn't long before the doors slid open to reveal a man, dressed in an immaculate uniform.

"Carth, it has been too long since we last spoke. I see the recent months have not been kind in your case."

His features were as harsh as the lights stinging Brin's eyes. He was older, the stubble on his chin faintly grey. Just one look at Carth's face told her who he was.

"But I recognized you, Saul," Carth said. His voice was tight with hatred. "I see your face every night even as I promise I will kill you for what you did to my home world."

Both Brin and Bastila looked away, feeling they intruded on something private and deeply personal.

"Did you learn nothing in your time under me? As a soldier you should understand that casualties were unavoidable. This was an act of war." Saul's words were serious enough, but a small smirk played about his mouth.

"It was a cowardly act of betrayal!" Carth slammed his hand against the barrier protecting his old mentor—it bounced back harmlessly. "Your fleet bombed a civilian target into oblivion without warning or provocation."

Saul stood with his hands laced behind his back. He showed no signs of anger or even annoyance. Rather, he looked amused.

"The blood of those innocent people is on your hands!"

"In war even the innocents must die. The Sith would not accept me until I proved I had truly turned my back on the Republic by bombing the planet."

Brin lifted her head to see Carth; the expression on his face made her want curl into a ball under a blanket somewhere. It wasn't just hatred, it was a pain that was still so raw she couldn't bear to see it. She couldn't see Carth in pain.

"My wife died in that attack, Saul. And for that I swear I'll kill you." He said it in one ragged breath.

Saul waved the threat away with a measured sweep of his hand. "You used to be a man of action, not of empty words. Cling to your lust for revenge if you must, but spare me of your tired threats. I've heard them all before." He sounded almost bored. "You are an insignificant part of these events anyway. Lord Malak is far more interested in your Jedi companions. He has great plans for them."

The look he gave Bastila made Brin's fists clench.

"We will never serve Malak or the dark side!" Bastila spat, unusually vehement. "The Sith will be destroyed, Admiral Karath." She seemed to regain her composure. "As will you if you don't turn away from this path."

Brin could see the laughter on Saul's face. She wanted so terribly to punch it clean off.

"Your words are brave, Bastila, but the lure of the dark side is hard to resist—or so I've been told. I wonder if your friend is as devoted to the light as you are?"

Brin hated the way he referred to her, as though she wasn't worthy of a name…but she couldn't lose control of her temper, not now. A steadying breath was at least enough to keep her from screaming.

"Don't waste my time. I've got nothing to tell you."

"You're defiant." Saul raised his eyebrows. "I'm certain Malak will find your loyalty to the Jedi amusing."

He waved his hand again, in that measured way. Everything about him was absolutely precise, from the angle of his hat to the inflections of his voice.

"The dark lord would probably reward me if I just killed you once and for all. But he may want to question you given all the trouble you've caused him…." The corner of his mouth turned up. "And the history between you."

Bastila's eyes flashed, but Brin barely noticed—his confidence, his damn smile, had incensed her.

"Malak won't get any answers from me!" She had to resist hitting the wall of her cell as Carth had.

This only amused Saul. "The dark lord will no doubt torture you for information and for his own twisted pleasure. Eventually you will tell him everything. The Sith can be very persuasive."

"Let him come," Brin hissed, hardly loud enough to be heard.

Saul ignored her. "Lord Malak is in another sector. It may be some time until he arrives, so I suppose I will have to fill in for him until then." That smile twisted his face. "Activate the torture fields."

It was nothing more than an electric charge. It jumped from the cage's floor, surrounding her on all sides, almost as bright as the stars. It burned like starfire too, like standing inside the Ebon Hawk's engine as it started up. She ground her teeth to hold back the scream in her head. Though it lasted no more than a moment—it was impossible for her to hear Saul's command to stop—the pain reverberated in her bones.

"I don't want them to pass out before I question them. Malak will appreciate any information I can give him when he arrives."

"Don't waste your breath, Saul!"

Brin looked to Carth; he was shaking, so faintly that only she could notice. But his voice was as strong as ever, full of that scary rage.

"We won't answer any of your questions."

"I'm sure you won't." Saul flashed his poisonous smile at him, but his eyes strayed to Bastila. She seemed the calmest of the trio after being tortured. It was to her he spoke. "However, we both know your friend's loyalties have proven in the past to be somewhat…flexible."

It took Brin a moment to realize he was referring to her. Her voice snapped across the room when she shouted, "My loyalty is as true as Carth's!"

"It is time to put your loyalty to the test."

Brin pushed back her shoulders and lifted her head. She had to stay silent. She had to. She tried not to think about the pain, still echoing—

"I doubt torturing you will gain me your true cooperation. Your will is too strong to be broken that way."

Brin could not help the swell of relief within her, though it was mixed with dread at what Saul would say next.

"However, even the strongest of heroes has trouble watching those they care about suffering." Saul was drawing each word out, enjoying the panic Brin could not hide. "The interrogation will begin now. Each time you refuse to answer or give me a false answer, Carth will suffer."

Brin's heart seemed to stop. She could feel Bastila's eyes on her, but she couldn't move. She couldn't, because if she saw whatever waited in Bastila's gaze, she wouldn't be able to stay standing. She wouldn't be able to stay silent; the scream in her head would come out.

"Don't," was all she could manage.

"My pain is meaningless!" Carth could evidently manage much more. "Tell him nothing!"

Brin closed her eyes.

"I tire of these games," Saul sighed. "Now I want answers. On what planet is the Jedi Academy at which you were trained?"

Brin hesitated, perhaps not long enough. "Alderaan. It's on Alderaan."

Bastila had the decency to cover her gasp with an expression of betrayal. Carth stood with his mouth half-open before she glared at him. Saul was focused on Brin's pale, impassive face.

"Alderaan is nothing but a planet of artisans and philosophers. There is no training academy there. You must think this a game."

There was a pause as Brin's skin iced over.

"Very well. This is the price of your resistance."

Brin could not look when the electric shock jumped at Carth. She saw the flash, heard his scream, and she thought her own pain might match his.

"Enough!" Saul waved a hand at his minions. His eyes never left Brin's. "You see what happens when you try to defy me? The first question was a test. Obviously Malak knew the academy was on Dantooine, and it has since been destroyed by our fleet! Dantooine is nothing but an empty graveyard now."

Bastila made a high-pitched sound, the color fleeing her face. Brin was suddenly flipping through images in her head: the Council—Dorak, Vandar, Zhar, Vrook—the feuding families she had never helped, children running around, the Rodian who'd sold her a map…gone. Just like Taris.

"Yes, dear Jedi, there is nothing but a smoking ruin and the charred remains of your former masters!"

"You'll pay for their lives, Saul, you and _all_ the Sith!" Brin had lost her head and she didn't care. Not after this second dead planet.

"More empty threats." Saul looked amused, as though he knew something she didn't. "We Sith prefer to let our actions speak for us. Perhaps that is why we are winning the war. Now…" His business-like tone returned. "Tell me your mission. How were the Jedi planning on using you to stop Malak and our Sith armada?"

Brin actually had to bite her tongue to keep from spewing out whatever came to mind. She would not tell him, but she could not hurt Carth. When a lie formed in her mind, she clung to it as if it was her tie to life.

"We were sent to assassinate Malak." She knew she had said it too quickly, but at least her voice didn't shake.

"Do you take me for a fool?" Saul was genuinely angry. "The Jedi are not assassins—they would never devise such a plan! Perhaps you need a reminder of the consequences of refusing to cooperate?"

She really didn't. In the fraction of a moment before the torture field activated, Brin met Carth's eyes. He opened his mouth as though to say something, but the only thing that come out was a scream. His brown eyes looked like shattered glass.

Brin whipped her head away, furiously wiping away the hint of tears. Not now, she didn't cry, she wouldn't now. Carth's screaming stopped, replaced with his heavy, strained breathing. Brin matched it as her heart stuttered.

Saul looked between the two of them, just barely leaning forward. "Listen, can you not hear him suffering? You can spare him further pain by simply answering my questions. Now, I will ask again—on what mission did the Jedi Council send you?"

Brin had never felt so cornered. Of every tight spot, every scrape she'd been in, there'd never been as much in balance as there was now. Why couldn't she just tell him? They were caught, they were dead, what did it matter? Someone else could find the Star Forge.

But who was left to know of it? The Council was dead. If they killed her crew…

No, she couldn't say a word. However cliché or overwhelming it sounded to Brin, the fate of the galaxy was on her shoulders. She knew because of the weight of Bastila's eyes on her, but she refused to look at her friend.

Saul was watching Brin carefully. The Jedi stood as still as if a CryoBan grenade had gone off at her feet, but behind her eyes a storm raged.

Could she hurt Carth again? Could she condemn the galaxy? She would throw her own life away for Carth, but two planets had died for her already…there were thousands more in the galaxy…

Brin's clear blue eyes seemed to glow. Behind her back, she clenched her fist until her fingernails cut her palm. "I won't betray the Jedi."

Saul smiled. "Perhaps another lesson is in order?"

Brin refused to look away from Saul's cold eyes. Though her heart quaked and she was fighting back tears harder than she'd fought anything, she squared her shoulders, stuck her chin out, and held her tongue.

There was a thud. That alone was enough to break Brin's self-restraint. Her eyes snapped to Carth's cell; he was slumped on the ground, whether unconscious or dead Brin could not tell.

The universe seemed to go black and white at the same time. Everything was over-bright, cut out like glass, but Brin could only see Carth's knotted shoulders, his slack face. For a moment, she was utterly empty; she felt nothing, no pain, no dread. She was merely blank.

Carth's chest rose in a shuddery breath.

Color and feeling flooded back. The rush was so sudden that Brin couldn't hear Saul over the pounding in her ears. Her eyes were still on Carth as the admiral left.

As soon as the door slid closed behind him, lightning leapt at her again. It was pain so sharp and encompassing that she couldn't feel it. With Saul gone, she could scream.

She screamed until the world went black.

When Brin came back, she was curled on her side in a painful ball. Her nerves yelled at her to stay still, but she had to check on Bastila and—and on Carth.

As slowly as she could, she pushed out her knees until they met the edge of her cell. From there she was able to turn so that she was sitting up. Both actions set off shrieks in her head, but she merely gritted her teeth.

Bastila, whom Brin could see from the corner of her eye, leaning against the wall with her knees pulled up to her chin, was not fooled. "Don't try to move too quickly, you might not be fully recovered yet. Admiral Karath had his guards continue to torture you even after you passed out."

"They tortured all of us," Carth said. Brin relaxed at his voice, however dismal it sounded. "…Though, you got the worst of it by far…Saul wanted them to make us suffer. He's become some sort of sadistic monster."

"The dark side has perverted him, Carth. Once you start down the tainted path it leads you ever further into the depths of evil." Bastila's fingers tightened into a fist. "I fear he is forever lost."

Something stirred in Brin's mind, something vague and half-forgotten. Was it something Saul had said to her?

"That's not fair to Juhani," Brin said finally. "She was strong enough to turn back."

"Yes, hm. I suppose you are correct." Bastila gave Brin a slow, measured look. "Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of that hope in the face of such unbridled cruelty, but you speak the truth. I suppose I'm taking the news of Dantooine's destruction quite hard."

Whatever memory had woken in Brin's mind fell back again, covered up by thoughts of Taris and Dantooine.

"First Taris, now the academy…" Bastila sighed. "Is there no end to the killing?"

"I can't believe they're all gone." All their faces flipped through Brin's mind like a parade of the dead.

"I'd like to believe that Saul was lying to us, but even as he said the words I knew they were true. The academy is gone." Bastila had never sounded so bleak. "We should have felt a disturbance in the Force when the attack came. The fact that we did not is a bad sign."

Brin shifted until she was sitting cross-legged, though the effort caused shocks of pain. As Bastila spoke, Brin looked at her callused hands as though the Force lay in her palms.

Bastila was whispering now. "I fear the dark side is growing stronger, casting shadows our vision cannot pierce. I can only hope that some of the Jedi escaped. Vrook, Vandar, Zhar…"

Bastila's desolate sadness reminded Brin that these were people the Padawan had known since childhood. Where Brin had only months of memories, Bastila had spent her life knowing them. Now they were gone from it.

"I cannot imagine all of them being gone. In any case, we have lost our one place of refuge in the galaxy."

Brin gave her a small smile; she meant to be reassuring, but she knew she just looked sad. Carth, sitting with his head against his cell wall, spoke up roughly.

"None of this will matter if we don't get out of this prison before Saul gets back!"

Brin pressed her hands together. "Do you know where he is?"

"Saul mentioned that Lord Malak was on his way." Carth kept his head down as though avoiding her. "I think the admiral left to prepare for his arrival…" He paused, lifting his head fractionally. "And to report the results of our interrogation."

Brin could see just a glint of his brown eyes.

"It is fortunate you were able to resist the Admiral's questioning."

Brin tore her gaze from Carth guiltily. Bastila was watching her, arms folded across her knees.

"The fate of the galaxy could be changed by revealing the slightest piece of vital information."

Brin wanted to laugh, knowing the urge was insane. Was their mission to find the Star Forge vital, compared to Carth's pain? Of course it was. It was the most important thing in the galaxy.

To some. Not to Brin.

"I, uh…"

Carth stuttered in the silence. He hesitated, but with both woman looking at him so intently, he had to go on.

"I have to confess something. There was a…there was a moment—just a moment—"

Brin's heart stopped as it had after Saul's first question. Carth finally looked at her, brown eyes to blue.

"—when part of me was hoping that you would tell him what he wanted to know. Just to make the horrible pain stop."

It was Brin who looked away. Carth hung his head.

"Don't tell me that."

"No, no!" Carth tried to pull back what he'd said as he heard Brin's shattered voice. "I know you would never do anything to intentionally cause me pain. But you had no other choice. You couldn't betray our cause."

Brin was slowly turning away from the others. This was all her fault, wasn't it?

"I…I don't honestly know if I could have been as strong in your position," he said. "To watch you suffer like that I…" His voice caught. He finished quietly. "I might have cracked."

Brin tensed. She sat straighter, residual pain running through her limbs. She couldn't let that mean what she wanted it to. She was Carth's friend, his good friend. Nothing more—no, not with the look on his face when he spoke of his wife.

It felt suddenly as if something had shifted within her. She and Bastila gasped at the same moment.

"Did you feel that?" Bastila asked. "A disturbance in the Force. The Admiral has sent his message, the Dark Lord knows we are here now." She held her head high as though she could stare him down. "Malak is coming."

Carth laughed wryly. "Well, then we better hope Juhani busts us out of here before he arrives."


End file.
